shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My inexpensive home security system…
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..