Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 馃嚘馃嚭
You Might Also Like
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I don鈥檛 follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Our dishwasher doesn鈥檛 know what hit it.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”