WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
for all #parents out there
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB