microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Sign of the day..
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia