Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.