I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*