I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.