[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
my first dose meeting my second
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.