haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
is frankincense just very honest incense?