If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
🙋♀️
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO