Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…