I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
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Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.