I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
You Might Also Like
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
my mom making me talk to relatives
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??