my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.