Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
moms in horror movies
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*pronounces surface like Versace*