When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Cats are still liquid.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.