6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My dad is at it again
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE