Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”