Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons