Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.