Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol