As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.