STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
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Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: