If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today