detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
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Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
You got this…
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
#Caturday
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987