Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.