Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Mmmm canned fish.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Mornin
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.