[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
We have a winner.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing