ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
You Might Also Like
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
as is their right
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush