That’s a good costume, I hope.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.