This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I don’t know what to do
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig