‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
#milo
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.