I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.