The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You Might Also Like
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner