I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
can’t talk my ride’s here
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks