My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.