[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
You Might Also Like
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.