If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money