Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
WWE is French for “yes”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.