*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Just a phase…
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too