But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
You Might Also Like
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist