You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
new career option?