If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
no!! no!!!!!!
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Bartenders are just boneless bars