why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
(Musicians.)
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.