OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.