Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.