9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
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*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
What’s a Messi?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Not my job 😂
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”