Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
You Might Also Like
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Europe. Made in Germany.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped