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I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?