“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
love it when they get my name right
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.